Making My Way Back To Happy (In Parts) Part 1

WARNING:  The “f” word is used in this post once.

In November of 2009, I took my first trip by myself after a very difficult time.  I went diving in Cozumel, Mexico.  This is my diary, if you will, of my experiences.  I’ll be posting it in parts as I get them completed and polished, a little.  I didn’t want to overdo the polishing as I didn’t want to lose the feel I had at the time I wrote it.

Hope you enjoy.

Making My Way Back To Happy… (also How Denise Got Her Groove Back)

Wed, November 25, 2009, 8:31 a.m.

I did it.

I made the plans, I paid the costs, I got myself here to the airport, went through the lines, security, all of it, by myself.  And now I sit here at the gate and wait.

This has been a frustrating, nerve-wracking, all encompassing, emotional journey just to get to the point today.  I know he didn’t believe me.  I know a lot of people didn’t believe I would actually do it.

But fuck ‘em.  I did it.

I sit here, watching all the people who are waiting.  This is one of the biggest travel days in the US, but not for the Mexican airlines.  The lines were small and quick.  Easy.  As the shuttlebus traveled past the US terminals, I saw the lines going on forever.  People going home to spend the holiday with their loved ones.

My loved ones are either gone or otherwise engaged with others.  It’s just me.

That’s okay for now.

The last six months have been brutal.  The worst in my long life.  I’ve had emotional times before, but never like this.  I almost didn’t make it through this one.  The reality and futility of existence was overwhelming.

And now?  Now, I still don’t know.  I’m lonely, afraid, frustrated, unsure.  All of those things.  I hope I can get in the water during this thing.  I have to.  I just have to.  I need it .

I suspect this will be rambling until I figure out what I really want this to be about.  There are so many ways to go.  It may just be that I’ll have to pop out bits and pieces and post them in different sites.  Right now the emotional element is huge.

I like being just me.  I like not having him here.  He wasn’t really that nice anyway.  When I think of the look on his face the other day as he approached me at the store.  I was on the phone, looked him in the eye.  He’d done the turnabout move again.  I love that Lisa just happened by at that moment.  The distraction was perfect.  I wonder what he would have spewed this time.  I realized that there is nothing he can say that I have any interest in.  At all.  I can’t even stand to look at his face.

That helps my sanity.  I’m done.  And that’s good.

The crowds are starting to show up now.  It’s getting close to boarding time.  Just less than an hour to take off.  I can do this.

It’s interesting that so many countries have free public internet access, but here, in our capitalist society, it’s about making a buck.  I need to spend less time on the internet anyway.   It works for me.

I’m going to shut down the computer now and just watch.  Must save the battery.

OH!  And my luggage was underweight.  Yay for me.

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